The Loss of a Soul

[Trikira]

I read a few of the other stories, and felt like I should post something of my own...even if it's not the best.
Have fun...and criticize please!

~~~

Fear held me in its grip as my vision blurred with tears. I felt sharp stabs of pain where the whip had landed. I knew that my little brother was watching me; I heard his cries with each blow. Please, please don't let him see this. He's a little boy, for goodness' sake!  But I knew that my master wouldn't do that, because he had to know what would happen if he got in trouble.

I almost fainted from the strain of pain when my master stopped. She must have been satisfied, because I heard the door to the outside world slam as she walked out of the cellar. I turned around and saw the remorse on my little brother's wet face. He ran across the now tainted floor and held me tightly, sobbing loudly now that she was gone. I squeezed him once and let go, fetching a rag to clean the mess before she came back and criticize my 'sloppiness'.

Side by side with him, we quickly cleaned the stains from the floor and my back. Tiding up our prison cell of the cellar, we collapsed in our bed, my brother curling up next to me. A curtain of security covered us as I pulled the flimsy blanket up and slept, momentarily escaping from the stabs of pain my body received as an aftershock.

...

That was a month ago. Even though our master hasn't beaten us brutally since then, I fear for the coming of tonight, fear that my brother would receive the same punishment I got that day. Earlier today, he let curiosity control him greater than fear, and he broke the ultimate rule: looking out through the sacred window to the outside. Because of what we were, we had to stay underground, or risk the embarrassment of our master. So our days are spent lurking around in the basement, not daring to even look outside for fear of being seen. Until now.

What's even worse is that someone spotted him looking out. And that person wasn't any random stranger... he is one of our master's closest friends. With that one glimpse of his malicious face, we knew that she would find out in a matter of moments. So now I hold him close to me, and I vow silently as I stare at the door, tense, waiting for the demon to come. I vow that she'll never hurt him, over my dead body. Yet deep down, I wonder if I'll be able to... And so we wait for the monster to enter.

Finally the knob turns slowly, as if time slows down to savor the moment, every second. The master enters the prison, a nine-tails in her hand. I gasp, having never seen that weapon. Then time becomes my enemy as she tears me away from him and swiftly ties me to a chair before I could retaliate. It was like she knew what I was going to do. I struggle furiously against the expert bonds, my eyes staring in horror when she lifts the nine-tails with a flourish. With venom lingering in her eyes, she strikes him, and there is a dull thud as my brother collapses in pain. There is a dark red blotch on his back, growing bigger with every faint heartbeat. I struggle even harder against the bonds that tie me down while she, with a cold-hearted smile, strikes him over and over again. There is a loud scream in the air...is it mine?...and my heart breaks as I see his body involuntarily reacting to each blow.

Despair turns into a mix of hatred and furious desperation, and with a final struggle, I break free, but it was too late. My eyes stare in shock at the body lying before me. My brother is dead, the vitality of his life spilled onto the floor, dripping from the weapon from the devil's hands. The vision of my beloved brother makes something snap inside, and before I can think about my actions, I leap onto her, yanking the nine-tails from her hands with one vicious movement. The proud anger in her eyes turns into shock as I raise the weapon in my hands, ready to strike. She ran to the door to escape, but I tackled her and threw her into the chair that I had just occupied. Then I hit her over and over again, not willing to let go, not able to be freed from hatred's grip. Each hit makes her cry in pain...Whap! Whap! Whap!

She finally collapses, her brain pulling her from the intense pain of the nine-tails. Without a second thought, I tie her wrists and ankles to the chair with the same knots she tied on me. My brother's body is lifted onto my shoulder, and I carry him and the whip into the new world. The nine-tails drip a bloody trail as I run down the unfamiliar streets, heading as far away from my prison as I can.

I plan to give him a proper burial, and mourn him properly.

After I mourned, then it'll be time...for my revenge. 

[Sabria]

I have so much respect for you. I am horrible at writing dark drama, but you pulled it off so well. I felt so much empathy for your characters. I thought it was a good choice to avoid giving them names, and I liked that you explained them through the use of titles. I think this aided in evoking the desired emotional response, and made the protagonist and her brother appear more like possessions. I was really hoping for a happier ending, but it left a far deeper impact as you wrote it. I think being able to write this type of story makes you a very talented writer, and I hope you share more of your works :)

[Trikira]

Aww...thank you so much for the kind comments.
It always seems like I can write tragedies better than stories with happy endings, mainly because everyone always expects a happy ending at the end...and I can figure out what emotions a reader would make when reading them.
Huh. I didn't really realize that they didn't have names, but then, a part of me felt like I couldn't give them names when I was writing the story. Therefore, they are nameless. When I wrote this, I was trying to see if I could write a story with no dialogue, because one of my main problems whenever I write stories was that I write too much dialogue and not enough detail. So I'm glad this turned out well.
Thank you for the comment, Sabria. Knowing that I'm not such a bad writer after all makes my day.