The Case of the Missing Curtains

[Furgeson]

A Present for Eri:

Private Dick, currently on the Case of the Missing Curtains.
Yes, those luxurious lengths of drapery are missing! Vanished! Gone without a trace!
Yet there are some individuals around the office that can't quite meet your gaze... perhaps they know more about this mystery then they're letting on!
...Or perhaps some other, more disturbing secrets will be revealed as the investigation progresses.
In the... *suspenseful music*
CASE OF THE MISSING CURTAINS!
*dun dun duuuun!*

Sherlock Holmes ain't got nothin' on you.
Lily, Private Eye, won't rest until this mystery is solved!
_______________________________________________________

10:00- Lily wakes up. She groans and turns over. She just had a nightmare about her Mommy dying. Again.
Why did I wake up so early?
10:02- It's kind of bright. I thought I pulled down the curtains. ARGH!!!
10:06- Lily continues lying in bed. She had insomnia the night before. She's tired. Too tired...
10:07- Lily finally realizes something's wrong. Clutching her pillow tightly, she draws the covers over her head. I'm totally not getting out of bed. Don't care if something's wrong.
10:08- Lily realizes that the admins will stab her if she doesn't arrive at headquarters by 10:15.
10:09- Lily gets out of bed. She changes clothes groggily, with her eyes closed.
10:10- Finally pulling on her pants, she looks toward her Wide Victorian-styled windows, complete with green shutters. She collapses onto her marbles countertop, and stares defeatedly at her reflection in the emerald-studded mirror. THE CURTAINS ARE GONE! WHO THE HELL TOOK MY CURTAINS?! MY BEAUTIFUL GREEN CURTAINS...!!!
10:11- Lily runs out of the house without brushing her teeth or combing her hair. T___T Not like that's
special or anything...
10:14:58- With two seconds to go, Lily arrives at Transcendence HQ. She slips past the metal detectors,
and down the marble spiraling staircase, into the main room, already bustling with activity. The admins glare daggers at her, and
put slip their knives into their pockets quietly.
10:15- Lily catches her breath.
10:16- "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CURTAINS?!"
"..."
"I DIDN'T LOSE THEM! SOMEONE STOLE THEM! WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!!!"
"........."
"........."
10:18- Lily goes off to the dining room to steal a box of pizza. She's hungry. Work can wait.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Without knocking, Eri-chan comes flouncing into Lily's office; kicking the door shut behind her and taking a seat across from the P.I.
A frosty tub of mango pudding is set upon the table and pushed toward her, beads of condensation forming on it's sides as it's exposed to the warm clime of the room.
'Your Pudding, Ma'am! Just how you like it~'
Leaning forward, Eri forms a triangle with thumb and forefingers as she ponders, watching the other woman with interest.
'So, I hear you just now have a new case? Fill me in and I'll back you up.'
She gives Lily a look of self importance after self-appointing herself as the detectives' sidekick, her eyes twinkling as they're prone to do at this point in any good manga.
_____________________________________________

And, as in any good manga, that little annoyed symbol appears on the side of Lily's head. (It looks like the Nazi symbol... remember that one?)  Tearing off the plastic spoon from the cheap plastic cup, Lily opens the package and peers inside.
"ERI! This ISN'T THE RIGHT KIND! I WANT THE KIND WITH BERRIES IN IT! WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES?!"
As private Lily fumes behind her stack of empty pizza boxes, she suddenly stills. Snatching up the plastic cup with intense fury,
she chucks the little package at Eri(-chan), complete with the payload of mango pudding.
Eri(-chan) expertly ducks in her squishy leather chair, the pudding splattering onto the wall behind her.
Lily stares at Eri blankly. "It was early in the morning, so I hadn't taken any happy pills yet. That morning, it was suprisingly
cold. Everything was silent..." *the eery music begins, as artificial smoke fills the room*
Eri whips out a pad of paper, and begins taking notes, her pencil scratching on the paper loudly.
_
"And yet, everything felt wrong. It was too normal. Ussually by 3 AM, the fish start squaking, yet... Look.
No extreme insomnia, and waking up before noon? You know me too well. I even took the front entrance into the headquarters that day. Something was wrong with me. I'm so cold."
Lily falls silent, and broods for a few moments, and sighs. "The truth is Eri, you're one of the new blood. And that's the group I suspect the most. I know the admins couldn't have done this... Too busy trapping more bishie slaves by moonlight. But there
is one person who could have drugged me, and slipped into my house (which is guarded by onionheads 24/7) at any time...
Her name, is... CHARMY!

At this, Eri stands up and pulls out a flow chart, decorated with onion heads, mango puddings, and tissues.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Irritated and covered in mango goo, Eri-chan makes a mental note about the berries and grumbles to herself. 'I don't get paid enough for this..'
However, being the good, true and loyal kinda girl that she is; she furiously goes about setting up a chart of P.I Lily's movements from the previous night when her house still contained curtains, up until they'd ended up missing that morning.
Not surprisingly, with very little input from Lily herself; who had since taken a toilet break and was now catching a few Z's, drooling on the desk and muttering something about babies taking over the world.
From what she'd heard, Lily hadn't left her house between the time when the curtains had been stolen, so this meant that the perp had to have come in somehow. Maybe they came through the window or chimney, but it would have been difficult because the residence was on the second floor, and the chimney was.. well.. it was a chimney! So unless Santa had paid Lily an early visit, it seemed unlikely they'd get in that way (nevertheless, Eri jots down 'Santa' on her list of suspects - below Lily's crudely written 'ChaRMy' with a stick figure holding a knife). There was the door, of course, but apparently the lock was bolted and showed no signs of tampering.
This is what she had to go on from Lily's run-down anyway.. but looking at the P.I. now, Eri wonders how dependable her account really was...
Perhaps Lily gave a spare set of keys to someone?
Either way, it was clear that they'd need to head back to the crime scene to investigate as soon there was a break in their workload -- or in Lily's case, her nap.
Sighing with a hopeless smile, Eri sits back down in her comfy leather chair and ponders over the case a little.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

As Lily continues sleeping the hours drag on...
Soon, Eri leaves to run off on a bathroom break and get another cup of coffee (her 24th today... and to look at those newly-captured bishie slaves.) Flipping through her notes, she considers another possibility of Lily having taking too many of her pills that night. True, she hadn't stabbed anyone yet, but what if she had overdosed? Then, she could have easily been knocked out for a few hours... enough time for the ninja Santa to slide down, take the curtains and make a swift escape! She decides to run this idea through her wonderful and loving boss detective before going to the scene of the crime with P.I. Lily. Smiling happily, she takes out the blueprint of Lily's flat, and starts skipping back to the office that she just came from. Eri (-chan) walks through those eerily dark halls of Transcendence's underground fortress, whistling a merry tune about no, not BABIES taking over the world, but proofreaders! Suddenly, a dark shadow suddenly looms in front of Eri... It's green, it's fluffy, It looks like a she, but no... is it a he?! It's... SHARWIE!!!

[Furgeson]

Eri lets out a squeak of alarm at Sharwie's sudden appearance in front of her, gripping the chain of the bishie slave she nabbed from the pen that little bit harder until her breathing is finally back to normal.
'Phew.. Scared me..'
The fluffy-greenness that is Sharwie undulates and jiggles around in front of Eri, her eyes glazed over in a stare that seems to see everything and yet nothing. Clearly the girl is suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms of the sugar-related kind.
'Muaaaa.. feeeed meee.. feedmefeedmefeedme.. Pudding...!'
Moving her gaze blankly from Sharwie to the half-empty tub of second-hand mango pudding in her hand (most of which was scooped off her person after Lily's assault, and looks anything but pristine), Eri shrugs her shoulders and tosses the dessert to the green staffie, who promptly swallows it whole and then ambles back for a nap under her bridge.
That ordeal over, the detectives assistant continues on her way through the hallowed halls of the underground fortress; only stopping occasionally when the bishie slaves complaints about his neck-irons chafing become too unbearable. Clearly this one hasn't been broken in yet ~
Anyway, eventually Eri ends her pleasant stroll and re-enters Lily's office, thankfully finding the P.I. freshly awakened from her sleep and studying the charts her assistant has drawn up with a half-measure of interest.
'Oh good, you're up.' Eri smiles, ushering the muttering slave forward as she continues.'Well, we're all set to check out the crime scene then! I brought this bishie along to help us sniff out clues. You know the fresh ones are best at that kind of thing~'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nodding seriously, Lily slides out a panel of her desk, and presses her hand onto the sensitive security scanner. Suddenly, the wall behind Eri slides open (with a huge boom. The device needs some fixing. Later.) and artificial smoke fills the bottom of the room. As Lily snatches up her keys, the pair head towards the hidden passageway.
Eri stares around her quietly. "So, I haven't heard about this one much."
"Ah, this is just for kicks. I took a few hundred grand from the budget to build this. It just goes to the garage."
"......"
"What's wrong?"
"I see..."
The two finally reach the massive expanse of the garage. Throughout the plain of cars, they easily spot Rolls Royces, a Mercedes Benz covered in bathroom towels, a lot of limosuines... and a lime green BMW. That's Lily's car. The bishie starts whining about the iron collar... yet again.
"SHUT UP!", Eri shouts annoyed, and uses her handy whip to subdue the slave. He falls quiet. But now, Lily is also aggravated. She kicks the car once and pulls out a blackberry pager, and starts beeping furiously. After finishing with the pager, she puts in back in the depths of her long purple robes, and continues kicking the car wheels.
"THE DOOR IS NOT. OPENING."
Eri looks at her in disbelief "What? Let me try!" Handing the leash to Lily, she attempts at unlocking the car door... to no avail.
"Someone must have switched my keys this morning!" Lily mutters furiously.
"Yes, but why? And who..." As Eri stares out into the distance, the aura of a complicated case settles on them.
"This may be harder than we expected. We'll have to deal with this fast... Or who knows what'll happen?"
Throughout this life-threateningly important conversation, the bishie continues tugging at its collar and whining. If all these damned bishies are like this, why do we even need them?!
And so the plot grows darker...

Lily writes a file on Sharwie for later suspect use and just for Eri. Maybe she can make Sharwie less of a blob?
Age: 18-21
Location: Lurking
Species: Unknown. Commonly thought to be human.
Gender: Unknown.
Position: Editor
Status: Special- Involved with Switch Girl
Misc. Information: Known for his mysterious single "Sharwie Period", he often drops a "." in the chat, though he seldomly speaks. Using such twisted and emigmatic statements, he often defeats even the best of philosphers. Sharwie was originally male, however he eventually converted to being known as female. Sharwie has the ability to redraw scans with chilling precision, and often plays a practical joke on victims while allegedly "helping them out". Little else is known about this thing.
Reasons for suspicion: A) Has strange affiliation with teddy bears, creatures long known to be the nemisis of onionheads.
B) Suspect also has lurking powers of deception.
C) Suspect is suspicious. It holds a peculiar place in the hearts of the higher-ups.
D) Suspect has no alibi.
E) Suspect eats bishies raw. Cannot be a good sign.
F) Suspect is studying bioinformatics.
G) Suspect is a computer genius.
H) Suspect has relations with Werr teh Scary. I run away here. Can't stand Werr.
__________________________________________________________________________

Eri takes the dossier on Sharwie from Lily and files it away for future use.
Looking over the mass of expensive cars in front of her, Eri wonders what she's doing wrong that sees her still coming to work in a beat-up old Volvo. To make matters worse, it looked like the only piece of junk of it's type in the whole garage; quaking in the shadow of the massive Hummer parked next to it. It really is pitiful.
Sighing in frustration, Eri turns back to Lily with her own situation, observing for a moment the P.I's increasingly agitated kicking at the BMW's tires.
'Let me try something.' she volunteers, digging through the small pouch strapped to her belt and coming out with a rather handy set of lock-picks. However, deftly teasing one about in the locks soon reveals another problem.
'Someone has broken off a bit of metal inside. I can't unlock it.,' Eri concludes. 'Well, we can't use your car, so..'
The assistant jerks her thumb over to the other end of the garage, towards her beat-up old Volvo. 'Let's go.'
'What?' Lily's eyes glaze over for a moment, before quickly scanning the other vehicles around her. 'You think we should break in to one of the other cars?'
'No, we can go in my-'
'Or I suppose we could try a taxi?' Lily makes a face at the thought.
'No, it's okay, we can use my-'
'Well I suppose you could always carry me on your back, or the slave could, but it IS a fair way.. I could get sleepy.'
'Lily! Oh, you're hopeless!' Eri fumes, grabbing the P.I's hand and dragging her towards the Volvo; whining bishie in tow.
'Nooo, Noooo! Anything but that! Think of my reputation!'
Eri shoots her a fuming glance.
'Well what's LEFT of my reputation! Are you sure I can't just ride the slave..?'
'No! He's no use to us dead!'
And so, Eri finally manages to get Lily into the ugly old Volvo; the door locked tight from the outside to prevent escape and a child-lock attached to the buckle.
'This really is too cruel!' Lily wails, flailing about in the passenger seat. 'How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to YOURSELF??'
'Not all of us are rich, lazy slobs!' Eri mutters, starting up the car.
'Even the stupid slave looks uncomfortable!'
'He ALWAYS looks uncomfortable, he's in irons and wearing very little clothes,' She points out.
Luckily with Eri's current irritation, she drives like a mad-woman (which, I suppose, isn't that far from the truth) and they reach Lily's house in record time.
As soon as the child safety and locks are solved, Lily leaps at Eri with clawed hands.
'FIEND!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! I could have died in there! I think a little part of me did~~ oh the humanity.. I-I feel soiled!.. you're just too cruel..'
Eri sighs again (for what surely has to be the 20th time that morning) and gathers what's left of her tattered clothes. 'Let's just go, I'm sure I'll think of some way to make it up to you.'
'I'm not sure you can, but you'd better!' The P.I. sniffs.
Thus, ignoring the stares from passers by at the spectacle they make; the three Transcendentians make their way up the path to Lily's house..
What will they find..? Tune in next time!

[Furgeson]

Filler Story~
Deep in the heart of Italy, there lies mansion. So old and magestic that all those who come to gaze upon it... Well, noone gazes upon it. It's hidden in some sort of forest. But it is a huge expanse of luxury, and approximated to cost roughly 1.79999repeated Canadian Dollars.
You, my little 'un, shall come to know of this mansion well... After all, this is the very place where the light shined upon our founder and the birthplace of our holy scanlation group. Without this mansion, none of our releases would have appeared! For in this 9 story building of grandeur, a certain charismatic woman doth live. She is known by the alias, Her Majesty, Highness, Gloria of the First Line of the Machiovelli Transcendian Family, Xye. Surrounded by hundreds of servants and bishie slaves who listen to her every beckon, HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye is currently on... yet another "business trip" (which translates into a month long vacation with one of her bishie princes. Or maybe it's just that gigilo again.)
As soon as Dawn swept her Rosy Fingers across the sky, HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye awoke to the light tinkling music of her alarm, and quickly was assisted into one of her hundreds of silk gowns, and swept down yet another spiraling staircase into her dining room. Sitting at the foot of her 12 foot long dining table, a sumptious feast of croissants, roast pheasant, and fresh bishie blood before her, she is totally unaware of the curtain scandal that is currently underway in the Transcendian HeadQuarters. With her own luxurious velvet draperies decorating her walls, she has nothing to fear. However, soon her stress-free get away will suddenly be ruptured with a single call. The phone rings.
___________________________________________

Standing in front of the second-floor apartment, Eri & slave wait as Lily pulls out her house-key and slips it in the lock.
Rattling it about she finally grunts in disgust and kicks the painted wood.
'This lock is jammed too. Whoever is responsible for the theft has really done a good job of pissing me off!!'
'Let's just try ramming it open with our shoulders, like they do on TV,' Eri suggests. 'You know, breaking the door off the hinges.'
'Sure, why not? Cos a broken shoulder shouldn't make my day any worse.'
'Just shut up and ram on the count of three. Ready?'
After several attempts, the cheap wooden door splinters and sags off the hinges - not exactly a clean entry, but it will do.
'Who's going to pay for my door?!'
Inside the little apartment it's rather bright, a single set of mangy curtains hanging from the kitchen window doing nothing to filter out the daylight.
'Right, let's start looking for clues!' Eri enthuses, taking a step forward. 'Slave, start sniffing them out!'
'I have a name, you know', the chained bishie complains, but all he gets in reply is a kick in the shin from Lily. 'OW! Son of a--!!'
Walking over to the the fireplace, Eri takes a closer look at the soot at it's base. There is a lot of it dusting the stones in front, a sign that Lily doesn't clean as much as she probably should, but strangely not even the smallest hint of a footprint or any disturbance marring its surface. If someone came down the chimney, they had to have flown down. That wasn't very likely.
'You realize what this means?' Eri asks Lily, who's studying the dust beside her.
'That I need to vacuum?'
'Nobody has come down this chimney. Last night was a warm night, you didn't use the fire. Therefore this soot is at least a day old and there are no signs of disturbance on it. Whomever stole your curtains found another way in.'
'Ooh, you're good at this!' Lily grins.
'Come on, you're the P.I.! Do your bloody job and stop making me do all the work!'
'The slave has sniffed out something!' Lily suddenly shouts, dragging Eri-chan behind her as she runs through the open door of her room. 'What have you found, boy?'
'Stop patting my head! and my name is--'
'He found a ladder!' Lily determines, sticking her head out of the open window to peer at the bushes two storeys below. 'There's a ladder in the garden!'
'So somebody climbed the ladder into your bedroom window? That's kind of--'
'--Creepy.' Lily finished, agreeing with her assistant, ' and while I was sleeping, no less!'
'Try not to.. think about that too much.' Eri suggests.
So they continued to search.

~MEANWHILE~

In the estate of HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye, a phone rings somewhere in the house.
It's a soft, tinkling ring - not at all like the harsh piercing rings of regular phones - another sign of what supreme wealth can buy.
After a soft rap on the door, a handsome butler carries the telephone into the room where Miss Xye is lounging serenely, her delicate form lost amid the pillows of silk and mink.
'A call for you, Miss Xye.'
'Of course.' With impeccably manicured fingers, the receiver is lifted and spoken into. 'This is Lady Xye; who calls?'
'My Lady! There's no time - it is as we feared.. the curtains are missing! Stolen!'
'Curtains? You mean--?'
'The very same! I can't stay, they'll find me! I-- ARGHHH!!!'
The sound of gun shots ring out through the speaker as the phone drops from Miss Xye's trembling fingers, her face growing pale.
'The curtains.. No.. it cannot be! ..It's as we feared!'

to be continued..

___________________

As the slave continues to trudge around the house, being dragged around by Lily, Eri looks at the metal ladder warily.
"Do you think the bishie can identify the finger prints on here?"
"I'm not sure... I think they have this kind of powder on TV. I think I'll look in the bathroom. Maybe there'll be some footprints."
"Urm, Lily, I don't think the creep that came through your window and left out your window went to the bathroom first. And it wasn't raining these two days either so there won't be---" Eri suddenly finds that Lily has ran off... probably to the bathroom. 
Eri sighs, and continues studying the ladder.  Somehow it seems that the PI could use some lessons in Criminal Justice. Her brain's not as good as it used to be. Well, at least that's what Lily claims. Noone had seen her in what she called her "Prime Years". Perhaps she had secretly been one of those three year old evel geniuses before her parents dropped her (on her head). Too bad the evil trait had stayed.
As Eri opens the briefcases she's been lugging along, she glances at the papers she's collected- a suspect list, a blueprint of the house, two files on Charmy and Sharwie, and finally three snapshots of the huge green curtains that used to hang in the room. They didn't seem to be special, and everyone in the main offices had disregarded Lily's outburst, as usual. Eri slaps on some latex gloves, and wonders why the culprit had left such obvious evidence in the house. It was as if he/she/or it had wanted to them to notice it.
Even though Lily hadn't noticed for more than 12 hours. That needs some work.
Well, the evidence seemed to be to hint at an unclear motive. Eri sighs, and starts toward the back door into the garden, to retrieve the ladder. At least there were no casualites. As Eri enters the kitchen, she spots Lily whimpering by her broken door, the bishie by her side, obviously bored.
"Can I leave now?" the bishie asks.
Eri ignores the shitty bishie dog human and works in on Lily. "I thought you were in the bathroom!"
"B-b-but!" Lily collapses into tears, and starts sobbing hysterically. "The Landlord's going to kill me!"
"Why are you so afraid of the landlord?"
"You wouldn't understand you poor perverted middle-aged caucasian peasant kangaroo!" Lily continues sobbing, as she spits out insults that make absolutely no sense.
Eri begins to worry a little... "What's wrong with your landlord?"
"HE'S A FROG!"
"...A WHAT?!" Eri starts to sputter, but suddenly, the two fall quiet. Admist their discussion, an ominous figure has filled the room. Judging by its shadow, it could be the size of a gorilla... As the two slowly turn around, two cloaked figures fill their vision. Eri backs up against the wall and takes hold of the bishie, ready to use him as a human shield if things get bad. (See? We knew he'd be useful.) As she turns to run through the door, however, she finds that Lily has dissapeared through the gaping hole of the ex-door, and now, the ex-hole, ex-door is blocked by two more cloaked figures.
***
So I think this'll be the end, but I added a segment to the Xye scandal XD

HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye tosses on a heavy overcoat and calls for her personal secretary. Writing down a quick note ("Bye darling, be back later. -Lots of Love, HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye") she hands the thick stationary to one of a bishie slave, and immediately heads to the roof. She slips up through the roof's trap door with an easy grace- a helicopter, along with HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye's personal secretary is already waiting for her. The secretary half-assedly clambers on (even though HM, H, GotFLofMTF, Xye stylishly grabs onto the rope ladder as the helicopter lifts off, slowly climbing the ladder while wearing her Jimmy Choo's. Totally fearless. Dammit. I knew she was a vampire!) Within a few minutes, Xye is situated within a little luxury haven, with a BOSE headset on, and typing furiously into a laptop.
"Just as we feared...", she mutters, as she tries to decipher from what location the call was made. Narrowed down to two locations- Montreal and Aubi, New York- she fears for life as she knows it... These locations are perilously close to Transcendence's HQ. She knows that the PI and her assistant are already on the case. But the curtains have already been lost. If they find out the secret that lies within those curtains, Transcendence is doomed forever, and the world is still unprepared for the secrets locked with that cloth...

[Furgeson]

Ack. This is a lot of shit. I spent forever trying to get it to fit. 
(A limit in the number of words per post XD)

Warning to Any Readers: (Lily doubts that anyone will read this.)
This is a story written by Eri and Lily. Due to serious lapses in judjment, uncareful reading, and hateful grammar, parts of this story may seem to be queer. As Lily is an amateur writer who supports the idea of a Transcendence blog, and Eri is a proffesional writer who is simply helping Lily out, there may also be very worrisome differences in writing styles and quality. Please forgive Lily, and enjoy your read, and do not try to murder either writer. Thank you for you consideration, we hope that you have a nice day. ^___^

[Melody]

SF~

how much time did u guys spent on this? it's amazing <-hates writing cuz it dries my brain and reminds me of the essays in scool...they give me nightmares...

[icewing]

Same HERE! i like writing but it's gonna HURT!

[Eri]

Right, the next installment! Sorry It' so late! 

To any who are reading this: we're glad you're enjoying it! Please comment if you have time, it makes us happy! 

And now ~ just call me Bond. Eri Bond. 


'You're coming with us,' Eri hears one of the men behind her say, feeling her arm gripped and pulled roughly behind her, 'and don't even think of calling for your friend!'
'Don't worry, I don't think she plans on coming back,' she answers back dryly, 'but I don't need her help for this, anyway.'
Yanking free with a sharp tug, Eri grabs one of the splintered boards from the floor and swings it around her in one fluid motion; vicious nails from the crude weapon biting into the skin of one of the Suits in front of her, ripping out his neck before he can react.
With the same motion a man behind her falls gurgling in his own blood, fading fast as he coughs up the crimson fluid.
Unfortunately his partner manages to move free from reach, sidestepping the cooling corpse as he rips the board from Eri's hands and pulls her roughly against him, arms trapped.
'You-You damn wench!' The man at the front barks, 'You're dead! I'll kill you!!'
At that moment, timely as ever, Lily walks into the room - the sound of the toilet flushing dimly in the background.
The opening door, as luck would have it, catches Eri's captor sharply on the temple, dispensing him wordlessly moments before the P.I's boots unceremoniously walk over the top of him.
'Hey, what's all the noise?! Can't a girl get a moment of-- WOAH!'
'That's all you can say?!' Eri sputters, rubbing her arms.
'Err.. where did this guy come from? Are you new to this building?'
'Geez Lily, you SAW him come in! And watch it, will you - he has a gun!'
'Hmm, so he does.' The P.I replies, pulling the weapon from the shaking mans hand with little effort.
'So this is what you're afraid of? One guy who doesn't even know how to use a gun?'
'LILY!!! He -- I-- There was-- ARGHHH!!' Eri tries to resist the urge to rip out her hair in frustration at her companions nonchalant antics, instead turning her rage onto the chained Bishie, who is currently huddled in a corner - large eyes staring silently in shock. 'YOU!!'
'Y-YES MA'AM!' The miserable slave bolts upright and runs over, strangely responsive.
'Huh.. seems like the Bishie's got the obedience scared into him! Nifty, that. Too bad turning our attention to him allowed the Suit to get away,' Lily observes.
'Shit!!'
Using the chain from his neck as reigns, Eri jumps onto the Bishies back with Lily and kicks him into action, chasing down the bad guy! Steps are a real pain to get down tho, and the damn slave nearly trips a couple of times, resulting in quite abit of cursing from his riders.
'The stupid slave's bony spine is digging into my butt!'
'There!' Eri cries, noticing the Suit rounding a corner into an alleyway as they gain on him.
Soon the girls (and their mount) are right behind him, and Lily dives bravely onto his sprinting form with an almighty roar.
In the end, they stand around puffing for a moment, Lily grinning for the first time that morning.
'What are you so happy about?' Eri huffs.
'Now comes the fun part.. torturing the guy!'
'Don't you mean questioning him?
'Er.. yes.. yes, questioning.. I'm sure that's what I meant.' Lily responds, shifty eyed.
'Back to HQ then!'

..I think I'm high. 

[Furgeson]

Dragging the heavy mass of suited man, its cloak now in shreds, down the dark alleyways of town, the PI, along with the ass assistant, and the (now obedient) bishie slave, face a new dillema: transportation.
"Dammit Lily! You don't pay me, and you we have to question the Suit, so get into the Volvo!"
"NO WAY IN HELL! I'm not going into that piece of crap every again! Let's go buy a car or something. You know how to pick locks, right? Or maybe you could just use your ka-ra-te on my neighbor..."
"My car is perfectly fine, just hurry up!"
"But he's a shithead! And he has a convertible for no reason! Sure it's not as good as my beauty, but it's better than your... your... THING!"
"Lily..."
"Can you imagine?! The staff will be laughing at me for weeks! WEEKS! I'll be an outast!"
"YOU ALREADY ARE ONE! JUST GET IN THE CAR!"
Forcing Lily into the car for the second time that day, she debates whether to strap the PI or the Suit in first. With a frustrated frown, she kicks the suit once, and starts slapping on belts and 'saftey' restraints on top of the struggling Lily. Sighing sadly, she starts the car. "You know... the suit's starting to seem easier to handle." Eri mutters quietly
"What?"
"Nothing." Eri says, as she presses her foot on the gas pedal angrily, clenching her jaw.
"THEN, LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"
Soon, the HQ entrance looms ahead of them, and after some fingerprint identification, and entering 6 different codes, the car finally enters the garage yet again. Lily jumps out the car and runs towards the entrance to Tunnel XIII (Yes, we DO know how to read roman numerals.)
Eri looks at the empty seat sadly. "How the hell is she so fast sometimes?" Picking up her head, she yells after Lily, "Where the hell are you going?! Help me get the Suit into the Questioning Room!"
"I need to prepare, and I'll be waiting for you down there! You might hurt a little too, Eri! DON'T THINK I'LL FORGET YOU AND YOUR VOLVO FROM HELL!"
Eri sighs and gets out of the car.
"Slave, get the damned Suit and walk in front of me."
"Why in front, missus? Could I walk in the ba---"
"Just get moving, Slave Dog."
The bishie straps the Suit on his back hurriedly and starts twitching... while walking. The two cross a few more security checkpoints, and finally reach the heavy metal door. Embossed with spikes. A nice sense of humor, they seem to have.
Opening the heavy metal door, Eri pokes a the slave with the gun she confiscated from the suit. "Go."
"W-w-w-wait Madam, you want me to go..."
"Just move it. Or I'll shoot." The bishie starts moving down the narrow stone stairs, twitching even more. Torches line the walls and, yet one wrong step in the dimly lit hallway, and splat. Evil face plant, and perhaps death on those steep stairs. And that fire was definitely real... As Eri finally touches the bottom stair, a startling scream reaches her ears.
Eri puts both hands on the gun, and presses herself against the wall, pushing the bishie and his load of man next to her.
The lights come on.
Ok... so, I don't know.
It's not very exciting it took a whole page for us to get to HQ. This sucks.
I'm going to rewrite it. ARGH. I can't believe that it sucks this bad! I want to die. >.<

[Furgeson]

Lily expertly ties up the man, and kicks him a few times, his once fabulous cloak now in tatters.
"So that should do it. Get your shitty Volvo. Now."
"I thought you were going to complain about the car!"
"Nah... I have to er, question him. I have my responsibilities, you know? After all, I'm a very very nice and responsible PI. Very."
Eri grunts and looks at Lily shortly at the side of her eye suspiciously. "Lily... Make sure not to kill him while I'm gone, ok?" Grasping the bishie's chain, Eri starts off toward the front of the house where the car was parked (and hopefully will still be).

A few moments later, the Volvo arrives. Lily looks up guiltily. "I think he passed out."
"What'd you do?! Get the slave to help you."
After much effort, the slave and Lily toss the mass of man into the back seat. Eri examines him. "So, a black eye already? His face isn't doing very well."
Lily gets into the car, and tugs at the bishie. "I could care less. I think he needs to diet. Hurry up! Make sure noone sees me, ok?"
"I don't want to be seen with you anyway." Eri mutters under her breathe.
"Did you say something?"
"Nothing." Eri says, as she presses her foot on the gas pedal angrily, clenching her jaw.
***
6 checkpoints, 3 fingerprint identifications, and 17 code entries later...

"So. This is... the, erm, questioning room?"
"Yeah. It's Sharwie's."
"Really?"
"But I had some work done on it."
"I see... It seems very. How should I say this..."
"Beautiful?"
"No. I don't thing that's the word."

Eri and Lily look at the room before them a bit. It's a medium-sized room, flat concrete, with no windows, and dimly lit by one wavering lightbulb, that hangs in the middle of the room. Below the lightbulb is the chair. Around the chair is an assortment of devices that look strangely painful.
"Well, should we start with the long table over there? We could strap him down! Or maybe we can start be breaking his fingers! Or stabbing him... There seem to be so many possibilities"
"Erm, Lily, why don't we start with---"
"Well, that's not too original. I guess we could just use water torture on him, or brand him... And there's the good old whip. I have two, you know! And---"
"LILY! JUST START BY TYING HIM DOWN IN THE CHAIR."
"Chair? What chair?"
Eri blinks a few times. "Erm, that chair in the middle of the room."
"Well, yeah, we could put a few nails on it..." Lily says, looking at the wooden chair distastefully.
Eri glares at Lily and starts dragging the mass of Suit Man over to the chair. "Just go and get some water, we need him concious."
Lily grins happily at Eri, "Yes, yes! All the more pain!"
"What?"
"I meant, all the more easy to question, of course. Curious how my tongue fails me at times."
"Yes, curious", Eri says.
After reawakening the man with two buckets of ice cold water, Eri looks at the startled man irratatedly. "Who ordered you to assault us?"
The man takes in his surroundings slowly, as his eyes widen in horror. "Let me go! GO!"
"We need some information before we can let you." Eri says sharply. "Hurry up and answer us."
"Or we'll torture you~" Lily adds cheerfully, a huge smile on her face.
"I didn't mean to! They forced me to!!!" the man starts whimpering. Very unmanly, we know. "Don't do anything to me!"
"Well, we do have some good knives, we can cut off your finger first. Pinky, if you seem like a nice guy." Lily fwips out a steak knife and starts toward the man, a curiously evil smile on her face. Curious and curiouser...
The man looks at the two women before him, more horror dawning on his face. "Wait! I'll talk! Look, we only got our orders from a man, and I can give you an adress where he might be... But I really don't know what he wanted!"
"Oh, really, darling? ERI! HELP ME! Hold him down... I need some exercise, and get that bishie to help." Eri sighs, and continues prodding the bishie forward.
"Missus, I can't really..."
"Just hold him down, or I'll kill you." The bishie scurries off to hold down the man, twitching and muttering. Eri sighs, and starts to cuff up the man's wrists. "So, this might hurt a bit, but it'll be over soon."
"W-wait! I don't know! I swear! We were told that there were two rich women we had to mug! That was it! We didn't know that you two were..."
"Were what?" Lily asks, frowning.
"I think they didn't know that you were sadistic." Eri says dully.
Just to get the plot moving...

[charmy]

This picture somehow reminded me about this story... XD


(credits to Mou-S in DeviantArt)

anyway, awesome work! can't wait for the next part of the story!!


maybe i should just peek into your pms and see what happens next...

[Furgeson]

So now we're sexy bishies?
And what the hell is with my hair.
I choose option two. Man that was killer. Writing two installments at once. AKA one installment. 

[icewing]

peoples...........HOW CAN YOU HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME TO WRITE THIS MUCH???

[Furgeson]

How can you have so much time to spam this much?
When do you sleep?
WHen do you even dance?

[Eri]

peoples...........HOW CAN YOU HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME TO WRITE THIS MUCH???

It doesn't take that much time to write - at least for me. I dunno about Lily. When I write I'm sorta on a roll, it just all comes out in one big jumble of words I somehow try to arrange.   

So now we're sexy bishies?
And what the hell is with my hair.
I choose option two. Man that was killer. Writing two installments at once. AKA one installment. 

I dunno about you Lil, but I was always a sexy bishie. 
And nothing is up with Phoenix's hair - a lot of people in Ace Attorney series have cool, far-out hair that defies gravity. 

NOTE: I'll add my installment shortly (within the next day). This dang letter took longer to write then I thought!  Sorry Lil!

[icewing]

i sleep at 10. i dance from 9 to 5.

eri.........well, if i was bishie................wait. nevermind

[Eri]

So this wasn't as good as I originally planned it to be, but I still think it's okay. Hope you enjoy anyway! 


'So.. are you sure this is the place where we're meant to investigate..? Eri says slowly, eyeing the sign of the establishment dubiously.
'Of course! Pulling off one of the Suit's fingernails scored me the name!' Lily grins, rather proud of herself, 'It looks respectable enough! Let's go in!'
'LILY WAIT!' Eri grips the P.I's arm, pulling her back. 'You do know what this place is, right?'
The trio's investigation has led them to a narrow building situated in one of the cities' many dirty back-alleys; peeling lettering above the door in a garish, "olde time" script proclaims it as a 'Gentleman's Club'.
'Well I would have thought it would pretty obvious! A Gentleman's Club! Can't you read the sign?'
'Do you know what a gentleman's club IS?' Eri demands, exasperated.
'Well OBVIOUSLY! I wasn't born yesterday! It's a club for well-mannered men where they smoke cigars and play cards and talk about the stock market in olde english.' Lily looks at her assistant as if she's daft not to know this.
'Oh Lord..' is all Eri can manage, wondering how she always ends up in these weird situations with the clueless P.I. 'Listen, that's not right at all.. I should warn you that -- HEY!'
'Stop flapping your gums and let's go!'
Before she can even finish the sentence Lily drags Eri and the slave through the door and the gaudy curtains beyond.
'Damn it, Lily!'
Eri is almost afraid to look herself, imagining Lily's reaction when she realizes just what this 'club for gentlemen' really is.
However, as their eyes adjust to the dimly lit room they've walked into..
'Oh, I say Peter! I believe you've a need to 'Go Fish' - terribly sorry, old chap!'
'What the--?!'
'See, there was no mistake.' Lily points out, smiling at her assistant's gobsmacked expression as she takes in the room filled with cigar smoke and card tables. Tables not of poker but 'FISH!' for God's sake!
'I suddenly.. have a headache.' Eri sighs, massaging the bridge of her nose. 'This is so messed up.'
'Everyone makes mistakes! Except me, that is~' Lily hums as she winds her way through the tables of well-dressed gentlemen to the bar; meekly followed by her assistant and the bishie (who is being strangely quiet...).
'Evening, ladies - what'll it be?' the barkeep grins, leaning on the counter-top as he polishes an ale stein.
'I'd like a tall frosty glass of Tunip juice, and a side order of clues!' Lily replies wittily, resulting in a groan from her partner.
'We need to talk to your boss.' Eri clarifies.
'You got an appointment? Big boss doesn't talk to anyone unless he's notified ahead of time.'
Lily grins widely, whipping out a cleverly concealed steak knife and pressing the point under the barkeeps chin. 'Make an exception, just this once. For us.'
Eri has moved to obscure this scene from the rest of the patrons, seeing the barkeeps eyes dart around as he sweats at this turn of events.
'You can't get to him! He has guards. Big ones.'
'Numbers!' Lily demands, the tip of the knife drawing blood as it's pressed with more insistence.
'It depends on the night.. but.. only four tonight.'
'Weapons?'
'They don't need weapons!! They're big guys with big fists! You don't stand a chance!'
'Let us worry about that,' Eri responds, disgusted. 'Here's your reward.'
She retrieves a small pill from her pocket and tosses it into the shocked man's open mouth, seeing him swallow it before he can comprehend what's happened.
'What did you just?!'
'We hope you told the truth - for your sake.'
Lily grins knowingly at her companion as they make their way across the room.
'We need to find this boss guy, so let's try this dark, ominous set of stairs that seem to lead into a creepy basement of some sort-- hey.. do you hear moaning?'
'Moaning?!' Alarmed, Eri grabs Lily's arm and tries once again to restrain her, instead making them both lose their balance and tumble down the steep flight of stairs.
Fortunately their fall is broken by the bishie, whom Eri has ingeniously thrown out in front of them in mid-air (genius!).
'What was that for?!' Lily demands as she stands up from the crumpled, oddly twisted body of the slave to rage at her assistant. 'You could have gotten us -- no, ME -- killed! I'm docking your pay for the next year! I'm-- I'm-- I'll think of something! I'll get back to you on it, make a mental note to remind me!'
Eri clenches her jaw tightly and chooses to say nothing, instead yanking the Bishie to his feet and rearranging most of his limbs back into their proper place. That looks about right.
'You worry too much, anyway!' Lily replies haughtily, yanking open one of the doors from which loud moaning can be heard. 'There's nothing down here but more men playing ca--ca--cacacagfdgtrgvcd?!!!'
Narrowly dodging a used condom thrown at them, Eri slams the door shut and pulls Lily away some distance, trying to calm her.
'Hey Lily, Lily - look at me! Are you okay?!
'I... oh...! um.. oh.. ohh... w-wait, what was.. ummmm.. that.. w-what ..uhh..did you say something?'
Eri knows that not much shocks the seasoned P.I., but Lily has a certain.. purity.. that Eri is afraid to damage; she really doesn't seem to have much defense against things of a sexual nature - as is clearly evident with the current display.
Lily's face is varying from shades of pale to deep red, eyes boggling and mouth ajar - what she'd witnessed still fresh in her mind. The spectacle of this is funny and odd and also a little scary, but Eri is worried about her friend all the same.
'Would you like to leave? I can come here alone for the investigation later if--'
'W-W-What?! no! I'm.. I'm a veteran at this kind of stuff. Don't be silly.. stupid! Stupid Eri!' Lily is visibly shaking, leaning heavily on her assistant and refusing to meet her eyes. 'We- we have work to do!'
'Right, of course.' Eri leads the way now, taking her boss by the hand as they move down the narrow hallway. Each room they past emits unsavory sounds, but the P.I's assistant doesn't seem the least bit perturbed, finally drawing to a stop before two burly looking bouncers.
'Hmm..'
'No entry past here.' One of them announces, arms crossed over his broad chest. 'So y'all just turn your pretty little selves around and head back the way you came.'
'Yeh, I don't think so.' Eri replies as she and Lily simultaneously kick them in the family jewels, following up with a hard jab to the pressure point in their necks that sees them crumbling to the ground, unconscious.
'Ha! Stand in our way, will you?!' Lily grunts, strangely enraged as she pulls out a taser and pumps a few electric jolts into their prone figures.
'Wait.. you have a taser?!' Eri groans, feeling her sudden good mood start to fade again. 'Why the hell didn't you--'
'Bwehehehe.. look at them jump!' The P.I. giggles, face like a maniac. 'Zap Zaaap.'
Still traumatized from the sex scene, Eri reminds herself, feeling somewhat creeped out.
'Hey look!' More giggling and gesturing from Lily as to how she's now arranged the unconscious men, 'That guy's hand is on the other guy's butt!'
'Oh for heaven's-- come on!'
Another flight of stairs brings them down into a small, brightly lit office. Richly furnished and containing four very burly guards surrounding a fat man who is very obviously the boss of this establishment.
He turns towards the door as they enter and grins, making it obvious that he'd already been alerted to their presence ahead of time.
'Welcome, ladies. We've been expecting you.'
'Dammit.. that barkeep.. I'll.. I'll skin him alive!!' Lily fumes, glaring at the leering men infront of them. 'I'll use his guts for garters! I'll--'
'Bring me the slave.' The fat boss orders to everyone's surprise, curling a jewel-encrusted finger in the air. 'Now.'

[Furgeson]

Pill... Pill... Pill...
T_____________T.
Bishie... Bishie... Bishie...
T______________________________T.
I'm going to kill someone.
HOW LONG AM I GOING TO HAVE TO THINK TO FIGURE THIS OUT?!

Note to Reader:
A tunip is a cross between a white edible tunip and a red tunip.
(LOL! I must say, I'm VERY happy with the results of your FABULOUS wit~!~~~ *loveeee)
Ok... A night to think about this shitty bishie and then a day to write it and I'll...
do something.

[icewing]

tunip= tulip+ turnip?

[Furgeson]

You see my avatar?
That's a tunip.
The top is a tulip, the bottome is a turnip.

[icewing]

yes............i see........O.O

[Furgeson]

Ok, truth be told, I'm having some difficulties thinking up a) humor, b) how to move the damned plot along.
Again, maybe I'll rewrite this/add to it. O_O

"WAIT A TUNIP-PEELING SECOND!" Shouted our adorable PI bravely, "What the hell do you want with the useless slave dog cushion? He's ours! We spent a fortune breaking him in to our will!"
Eri flashes a side glance at the PI. She looks slightly insane. "Urm, we didn't exactly---"
Lily continues on without regard of her assistant's discomfort. "You let us go, or I kill you, big guy."
The (fat) boss wiggles in his chair lazily, and just jerks his finger at them. "No talking." At his word, the four hulking bodyguards pull out some Uzis, and point them at our lovely heroes.
Backing away slowly, the two look over their odds of survival nervously, and immediately shut their mouths. Or, not all of us, Lily continues muttering lowly about what she'll do to the barkeep.
"Now, now, ladies, we wouldn't want to hurt you, would we?", the boss murmurs creepily, allowing himself a quiet chuckle, "You come with us quietly, we ask some questions, you answer, and it'll be great fun. What'd do you say?"
Lily immediately opens her mouth, but Eri clamps one hand over Lily's little pie shoveller, so that all that comes out is a garbled sounding squeal. "Please excuse my little assistant over here, but we had no harmful intentions when we came to your establishment. However, now that it's become like this, we cannot agree to your offer, Sir.", Eri segues on smoothly, glancing at the infuriated PI (who had turned a strange shade of purple) warily.
The fat boss suddenly plops down in his chair, and looks the pair up and down. "I think your time's up, Missus. Come here, Frederique... You've succeeded, no?"
The ominously quiet bishie slave suddenly limps up before the boss and gets on one knee, into a deep bow. "Yes, my lord, I have done what you requested unto me."
Lily immediately makes what seems to be the start of a running side kick. Yes, yes, everyone knows, very cool. But as she moves into position, she finds her eyesight blurring, as the strength seems to drop from her limbs. Eri also crumbles onto the floor... Suddenly the two realize what card has been played, now that it's too late.
"Very, very good. You shall be rewarded, my little cute Frederique," the boss says as the two lose conciousness.
Before Lily finally blanks, thoughts of revenge file through her head slowly one by one, as the blanket of darkness closes in on her. Next to her, Eri also crumples and faints, all the while thinking, "What a creepy fag..."

"LILY! WAKE UP! Are you in some kind of coma or something?! Wake! Up!"
"AHHHHH!" Lily shouts as she jerks herself awake, "Eri! What the hell! Let me sleep!"
Eri looks at the full recovered Lily worriedly, "Did you knock your head somewhere along the way? We've been locked up Lily! Drugged and locked in a dungeon!"
Lily looks around at her surrounding- bleak dirty walls covered in dirt, as the smell of rotting feces asails her nose. "Ugh..." Lily murmurs faintly as the memories flood back to her. "I didn't really like this place." The two assess the iron bars that lock them in. There's a chamber pot, a bed, and a high window that lets in some light. Barred. Barred in with no escape. "Dammit! How did we get like this?! I can't believe we failed! This is impossible! Impossible! They even took my cloak! When I get back, I'll kill each and every one of them... Especially that slave dog!" Lily shouts angrily, while kicking the walls.
"There's no way out of this, but we'll be ok! Anyway, you look fine without your cloak- almost normal!" Eri says, trying trying her best to be optimistic while looking at the walls thoughtfully, "Do you think---"
"JUST SHUT UP, ERI! I hate this! I want my cloak! If we had it right now, we'd already be out of here!"
"Okayyyy... but what use would your cloak be?"
"Stop smiling at me like an idiot. I'm fine." Lily pouts, plopping down on the bed, lifting another layer of dust off the sordid matress.
"No you aren't..." Eri mutters, as Lily continues sulking.
"I had pounds of explosives, diamond edged strings, rope, guns, knives, poisons..." OH GOD! Why'd they have to take my cloak?!"
"Maybe because they didn't want you escaping? Come on, take a look at the walls, ok? Do you think we could somehow find a way out?"
"No. I don't want to touch them. They're dirty."
Eri sighs exasperatedly. "Lily... do you want to stay here?"
"You work. Or else you get no pay next year."
"I don't get paid anyway!" Eri shouts angrily, getting to work on the walls. "Look, there's a few cracks here, and the pattern shapes suggest that this wall is quite old, and the plaster has cracked. The making of this wall provides further evidence into suggesting that it was made in the twentieth century, and is hollow. These cracks to the side, and their discolorment provide proof that it has been eroded away by water, perhaps by some sort of opening in the floor, and therefore there is a chance that there maybe some sort of trapdoor or... Are you even listening?! You're the PI! You should be working!", Eri says, pulling the PI up from the dusty bed. The unwilling PI in turn, kicks the bed into Eri's shins, and steps back---
BOOM!
"......"
"ERI! Look! I solved the case! See that nice trap staircase I found?"
"Um, Lily, I already said---"
"Not bad, eh? You're just all talk Eri, not a real day's work in you." Lily sighs, shaking her head wisely, as she starts toward the trap staircase.
Eri resigns herself to glaring at the strangely happy PI, and follows her downward into the dark abyss below.

[icewing]

Suddenly, a light appears at the end of the hall. A huge ball of ice comes rolling up the stairs and crashes into both Eri and the stupid PI. 

Then.




nothing.

[Nicole]

Ohhhh! I always thought that was a pot or a vase or something! XD

I want more!!!   ...please...

[Furgeson]

,_, I miss Eri.   

[icewing]

wait.........WHERE IS ERI!?!??! WHERE IS OUR PERVERTED ERI?!?!?

[Mizuiro]

We need more story            I mean does Lily ever find her curtains? and what is the true significance of them D= Even with out Eri, the story must go on!!!

[Disturbance]

The story ended since I paid Mizuiro to put poison in Eri's food.

XD!

[icewing]

...O_O someone actually posted in this?

hey. cat. lock this one up plz? 

[Black Miserie]

O-O Lily scares me... O-O