Story from the Spam Page

[Evory]

"Hah! Finished!" Dante exclaimed triumphantly, as he deposited another armful of Apples onto the enormous stack. He had counted them in his mind, and knew he had now exactly 500.

"Let's see if that assessment is correct." The tiny onion head, who had been guarding the stack of Apples, said as he started counting while Dante waited impatiently. After he was done, the onion head made a few notes on the clipboard he was equipped with, and read aloud: "You have been searching for ten hours, fifty-four minutes and twenty-two seconds, you still have thirteen hours, six minutes and thirty-eight seconds left to search and you have found..." The onion head looked at the clipboard again. "Three-hundred-and-eighty-eight Apples."

"Only three-hundred-and-eighty-eight?! Impossible! What about that big stack of Apples you threw aside when counting?!"

"They're not Apples."

"What?! But they look just like Apples!"

"Just because they look like Apples doesn't mean they are Apples." The onion head said smartly. "These are in fact Gapples"

"What the hell are Gapples?"

The onion head grinned "It really isn't such a surprise that a puny human like you confuses Apples and Gapples, they are closely related after all, and the difference isn't always obvious."

"What is the difference?"

"While Apples look like they are made out of gold, and taste like it too, they are still closer related to apples than Gapples, and thus easily edible, if you disregard the rather odd taste of gold. Gapples on the other hand don't only look like they are made out of gold, they actually are made of gold. But strangely, they taste like apples, and are thus differ from Golden Apples." The onion head's grin had become much more mischievous. "When we hid the Apples by order of the Noble Sir Guiney, we took the liberty of also hiding a few Gapples."

"I didn't order that! Why did you do it? How many did you hide?!" Sir Guiney cried out.

"We hid as many Gapples as Apples. The Gapples were mainly hidden in places he couldn't easily reach, like the top of a tree for instance, so it's not like it interfered that much with the task... Also..." The onion head looked proudly at Sir Guiney, "Why shouldn't we be allowed to test him in a way we see fit? He is also going to be our Emperor! We need to know what sort of person we are dealing with!"

'They were mainly hidden in placed he couldn't easily reach, like the top of a tree'?! Does that mean that I, Sir Guiney, suffered for nothing?! He was outraged.

"COUNT THE GAPPLES ALSO AS aPPLES!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU JUST GET FIRED!"

"I'm afraid I can't." The onion head said smoothly, and took out an official looking scroll of parchment. "As you can see on the task description, The Heir of the Emipre Candidate, Dante, has to collect 500 Apples. Everyone involved in this contract is bound by it." His eyes gleamed. "I guess our poor little Heir Candidate has to look for a hundred-and-twelve more Apples, heh heh..."

Dante took a few deep breaths, trying hard to suppress the urge to painfully kill the annoying onion head. "So I just have to taste all the gold-colored apples I find to determine if it's an Apple or a Gapple?"

"No Dante! You cannot taste the Gapples/Apples! If you take a bite of an Apple, that Apple won't count, and it will be impossible to complete the task." Sir Guiney explained.

"How am I going to differentiate between Gapples and Apples then?" Dante asked desperately. "How do you do it, Mister onion head?"

"I cannot divulge the ancient secrets of my race!" The onion head said outraged.

"Oh, please, everyone knows onion heads instinctively know if they're dealing with different variations of 'gold'." Sir Guiney said exasperated.

Meanwhile, Dante had been comparing the Apples and the Gapples. Suddenly they heard him gasp and exclaim: "I've got it!"

"Really? How can you tell?"

Dante held up an Apple, and a Gapple. The difference was suddenly obvious to Sir Guiney. The Apple looked rotten and wrinkled, while the Gapple was still beautiful, shiny and golden. "But... the Apples didn't look like that a few minutes ago!"

"Humph! So you figured it out! Apples spontaneously rot completely approximately twelve hours after they were picked. Gapples don't."

"Hah! now it will be easy!" And Dante ran off again.

***

He had looked everywhere. Twice. He was certain of it. And he still needed a hundred-and-twelve Apples. Were could they be, Dante wondered. He had been everywhere, except the parts where he wasn't allowed.

Wait, that's wrong. I was only told Apples wouldn't be in the locked rooms, Royal Empresses' private quarters, or any place you can't reach without special equipment that's not present in a 500 yard radius! Not that they wouldn't be in places I am not usually allowed!

And so he searched in the places that were off-limits to the public. The kitchen, the servant's quarters, the factory (?), the basements, the Dungeons (the ones that weren't locked of course), the laboratory (??), the torture chambers, the treasury, and even Sir Guiney's lodgings. He found eighty-three rotten Apples. But that wasn't enough. He still needed twenty-nine more.

I have looked in every nook and cranny of this place, thrice, and I can't think of anywhere where I can find them! Dante thought. Luckily I still have time.

He started wandering around the palace aimlessly, thinking hard of which place he hadn't gone yet. And suddenly, he saw the Door.

He had passed one so many times, yet never even considered going in, even though he knew it wasn't locked. That place was just so forbidden he couldn't bring himself to look there. But desperate times had arrived, and he needed to enter the Most-Mysterious-Place-Known-To-Men...

Muahahahaaa I love creating cliff-hangers...  

[icewing]

hm....why are these onion heads so fast now??!?! i LIKE THEM SLOWER.........O_O

[Furgeson]

WOW! You have the same problem, too?
(Especially with that crying one... Before it was speedy, now it's... supersonic. >_>)

[icewing]

yep 

and this one  I'd get concussions easily from that O_O

  and  THE TEARS ARE TOO FAST

and this one    THE LEAF IS WAY TOO FAST

[Disturbance]

i disagree. the leaf is slow, the bowing is slow...only the cry with no, vomit and stuff are fast.

[Furgeson]

Please respect each others' views.

[icewing]

O_O. i checked on the original onionhead fan site.

[Disturbance]

we didn't get our emoticons from the original fanclub?

[icewing]

i think we did. it's just some spazzy problem we have. xD. have you seen IEATSOUL emoticons? OURS ARE WAYYYY BETTER!

[Disturbance]

I don't.

I only go and hunt them down because i want my katekyo hitman reborn...
need i say more?

i'm a fully-developed leecher.

[Evory]

Please don't spam in my spam story topic .

Or I'll have to take drastic measures .

The next instalment will be put up somewhere between now and 300 years, please be patient.

[Furgeson]

You could momentarily lock the thread!
My lord Evory, I haven't seen you in so long!
I almost thought that you'd... got in a car accident? >.>

[icewing]

WHOAMG! EVORY! HI!! i never properly greeted you yet

[Evory]

Hi everyone!

I told you the next installment would be here within 300 years

"Dante... You can't seriously be thinking of entering, no man in Transcendence ever has before!" Sir Guiney exclaimed. "You might die!"

"In order to become the Heir of the Empire... I will go where no man has gone before!" Dante stated. "Even if I will have to face certain death, or do the impossible, I will not give up! I, Dante Tammyson, will become the First Royal..."

"Excuse me, coming through."

Dante's dramatical speech was interrupted by an old cleaning lady, who stepped past him, and went through the door where Dante had been gathering his courage. After a few moments of stunned silence, she walked out again, completely unharmed, but cursing lightly under her breath: "Those damned Onion Heads..."

That's it! There must be Apples hidden there! His determined expression returned, and taking one final deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside...

***

... The Lady's Room.

There were a lot of gold colored apples alright, but to Dante's disappointment, they turned out to be Gapples. Nevertheless, he digged through the huge pile anyway, and found three rotten Apples hidden at the very bottom. He checked the stalls, and found four more. Satisfied, he left the girl's bathroom, only to walk straight against Sir Guiney. To Dante's surprise, his large black eyes were filled with tears.

"Thank goodness your alive! I would never have forgiven myself if something happened there! What were you thinking?! You can't know what is in there! What if someone had been there? What if it had been Secured?! No Apple is worth dying for!"

"It was quite an ordinary bathroom, nothing to worry about. I even got some of Apples from the Room." Dante assured him. "And even if I would have died, it would be in pursuit of Imperial Power, not for an Apple." He jokingly added.

Why all this fuss about entering a bathroom, you may wonder? As the attentive reader is aware of, 95% of the Transcendence population is female. However, due to tax reasons, every building has an equal amount of male and female bathrooms. This has resulted in a severe lack of Lady's rooms, and an overload of Men's rooms. To make sure no male would dare to use the Lady's room, even if all toilets designated for their use were clogged, the female population spread horrible stories about what happened to men who entered that forbidden place, and of the horrors inside their Room. Young girls even went as far to never go to the bathroom without a female friend accompanying them. This was fertile ground for the rumors, for it was the cause of that many men believed the fact that secret rituals took place there, where females would curse and ridicule men. Some rumors say that the Lady's rooms were 'Secured', meaning that if a male dared to enter, he would instantly die a horrible, painful death.

Most of this is of course nonsense, but there is a high fine for any male that's caught on a Lady's toilet.

That was a short one  

The next part will probably be the end of the Apple arc.

[Evory]

Ooooohh, I'm double posting, I'm so badass...

As promised, the end of the Apple arc. I already finished writing the next one, I just need to type it out.

Dante spend the next quarter of an hour convincing Sir Guiney his life hadn't been severely endangered. He reasoned with him that the old cleaning lady's behavior could only be explained by the presence of Apples of Gapples. Following that logic, it was obvious to assume an Onion Head had entered the bathroom and as all Onion Heads employed by the Empresses were male, the room couldn't be Secured.

Also judging by the cleaning lady's behavior, the room had been unsuitable for cleaning or using, so he couldn't be caught by someone currently present.

"But it was still reckless! Don't ever do that again!"

"But I have to! All the remaining Apples are definitely in the girl's bathrooms!"

"I still can't allow you..." Sir Guiney stammered.

"Excuse me young man, did you say you just entered the bathroom?" They heard a severe voice say. The old cleaning lady had returned.

"Dante! I told you you would be in trouble! Now I'm considered your accomplice!" Sir Guiney moaned. "I hope the courts will believe me when I say I tried to stop you! My retirement fund won't be able to cover the fine..."

The old cleaning lady was fuming with indignation. Seeing she was very likely to explode with anger soon which was likely to summon every guard in the castle, Dante quickly intervened.

"Wait! It's true I entered the girl's bathroom..." - this didn't really help against the fuming - "...but it's not like I used any of the toilets! I also made sure nobody was currently present in said bathroom, so I wouldn't disturb any lady currently... uh... relieving herself."

Common sense slowly made her understand Dante hadn't committed an unforgivable crime. "I will let you slide by this time, but if I ever catch you near a Lady's room again..."

"Wait wise lady, I need your help!" Dante had been struck by a sudden inspiration.. "I have to be able to enter every girl's bathroom in the palace. Let me explain!" he cried when the cleaning lady showed symptoms of exploding again. "I have to collect these Apples, and I'm sure they can be found in the Lady's rooms! I already collected seven of them in this bathroom, see?" And he held out the Apples.

"So you only want... to collect these Apples...?" Slowly a mischievous smile appeared. "Let's make a deal, shall we?"

***

What have I gotten myself into? Dante wondered. The deal was simple. He had to give her one Apple which would be returned to him when he had fulfilled his end of the deal, which consisted of also taking the Gapples with him.

It seemed fair enough, for the Gapples had almost completely blocked access to the bathrooms. But he hadn't anticipated he would have to carry all the Gapples to the Onion Head too! Any one who has ever had their arms full of any kind of Golden Apples knows that stuff is heavy. And the Onion Head-Headquarters was on the other side of the grounds

"Is it me, or are the number of Gapples increasing?" Dante asked to no-one in particular.

"That may very well be true," the annoying Onion Head replied absentmindedly while updating Dante's Gapple/Apple statistics. "Spontaneous increase in numbers is one of the Gapples key features." He looked at his clipboard. "You have been searching for twelve hours, forty-two minutes and sixteen seconds. You have collected 499 Apples. You have eleven hours, seventeen minutes and forty seconds left. And also -" the Onion Head eyes glinted mischievously - "you have collected 653 Gapples."

Only one Apple left! Which was in the hands of a cleaning lady who won't give it back to me if I don't clear all the girl's bathrooms of Gapples! Knowing the number of restrooms in the palace, he began to feel a little faint...

"Don't give up Dante! You're almost there!"

Sir Guiney was right of course, what was he thinking, almost collapsing in the hallway when he was so close to victory? He had plenty of time left, he could do this! He was almost half-way of becoming the Heir of the Empire!

With a maniac glint in his eyes, he spurted back to the cleaning lacy, forgetting the weight of the Gapples, forgetting he had plenty of time, his eyes fixed only on his future glory that lay within his grasp...

***

"You have been searching for exactly thirteen hours, zero minutes and zero seconds. You have collected 500 Apples - and 998 Gapples - thereby completing the third task."

Dante, disheveled and smelling strongly of rotten Apples, cheered alongside Sir Guiney, and somehow still managing to do so in a dignified manner.

"Yes, very well done Dante Tammyson, very well done indeed. You are considered a worthy Heir by my race, for you posses bravery, strength, stamina and the will to never give up! Thereby, I proudly bestow upon thee..."

"As long as it isn't something gold colored and Apple shaped it's fine by me" Dante said exasperated. He might have nightmares about Gapples for the res of his life.

"Uhm.. here have a clover." the Onion Head said, quickly picking a common four-leaf clover, while stuffing away what he had meant to give (the Great Golden Apple of Great Leadership, which would empower him with his own legion of Onion Head minions). He grinned sheepishly at Dante, holding out the random clover.

"Uhm... Thanks?"

"You're welcome my good man, that's a very special clover indeed - It's a lucky charm!" The Onion Head made up on the spot.

"Lucky charm?"

"Probably."

"Oh. That makes sense, if you think about it."

Surely you don't have to think about it, it's obvious right? Sir Guiney thought. Then he saw Dante was standing rather unstable.

"Dante! Are you okay?!"

But Dante barely heard him. Fatigued with the task, he fainted... gracefully. The last thing he was aware of, was the clicking of a camera...

And another cliffhanger because I'm being annoying.

edit: I think I'm going to do weekly/biweekly/monthly updates, so you can look forward to that

[Evory]

Next part:

-CHAPTER FIVE: INTRODUCTION OF SOME NEW BOTHERSOME CHARACTERS WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS FOR NOW-

Behind the portrait of a grumpy looking Onion Head (who was called Grugru the Not-So-Smelly, and claimed to have slain a legendary Garlic Head), were some people. About five and a half per cubic meter, all of them female (or at least appeared to be).

Needless to say it was pretty cramped.

Why, you may be quite justified to wonder, where there so many people congregated in this small enclosure?

Let me give you a hint.

All of them were equipped with a camera, and wearing shirts and sweaters with the phrases "Dante for President Emperor Heir!" or "We love you Dante!" or "Bishie-ness is Might!" or something of a similar fashion that cannot be printed here because this story is PG-rated.

You might have guessed it by now. They were the D.F.F., Dante's Fearsome Fanclub.

They have always been present in the story, but this is the firs time Dante was slightly aware of their presence.

"Everyone please follow me as Dante is transported to the medical ward." A masked guide said. "Don't forget to pay the entrance fee, or you will be forcibly evicted form the palace. And keep in mind the once-in-a-lifetime discount! Instead of 50 transcendollars a picture, the 895th snapshot you make of Dante will be free! More disposable cameras are available..."

The masked guide continued on in this fashion, steadily robbing the crazed fangirls of their life-savings.

Life's good... The mysterious masked guide sighed happily. To keep a source of tension and an enigma in the plot, the identity of the mysterious masked guide will not be revealed for now, but random guesses or accusations from the readers aren't prohibited.

***

Back to the main plot.

"There is a plot?!" All the fangirls gasp. And probably most of the readers too.

"Yes. Somewhat." Your honorable writer replies. "Now shut up and pay attention."

***

Dante woke up a few hours later with a headache and still smelling strongly of rotten Apples. Sir Guiney took pity on him, and decided he could use a few days of rest...

Really great timing, Sir Guiney thought. I still need some time to think about what the fourth, and thus my final training task, will be...

***

"We refuse!"

The mob of Onion Heads had given the Royal Empress Zain a signed petition which stated the official refusal of the Onion Heads to do a certain something.

"Could you please summarize the main reason/reasons that you refuse to perform and/or execute certain aforementioned task and/or assignment and/or orders?"

"Fear of certain death."

"'Fear of certain death' has not been included on the list of legitimate reasons to refuse performing and/or executing said task and/or assignment and/or orders, for the certainty-rate of dying while performing and/or executing this task and/or assignment and/or orders has only been estimated at 98%, which is 22% lower then the legally required minimum certainty-rate of dying while performing and/or executing this task and/or assignment and/or orders for it to be used as a legitimate reason to refuse performing and/or executing said task and/or assignment and/or orders."

The Onion Head Union (a.k.a. 'Union Heads') couldn't think of another counter argument, and left the office, some of them crying miserably knowing they would soon get to see the underside of the grass in the Onion Head graveyard... if they were lucky, and their bodies found.

Zain took off the glasses she wore whenever she needed to be bureaucratic. A few minutes later, when her bureaucratic mood had somewhat subsided, she began to feel a little sorry for the doomed Onion Heads. But the job had to be done, and who else could do it besides the almost-criminally* under-paid and abused Onion Heads?

*If the Onion Heads were treated and this severely underpaid like this by anyone else, they would be committing a crime. However, being a Royal Empress has it advantages. Not to mention the fact that it is frowned upon for anyone else to employ an Onion Head in the Empire of Transcendence, so the Onion Heads have no choice but to find their luck at the Royal Palace, or suffer even worse fates abroad...

Suddenly inspiration hit her like a bolt of lightning. She quickly fixed her hair that was messed up by the static electricity, and registered the curious sensation of her burns healing before they were fully formed, ans resolutely walked out of the office...

***

What a beautiful day, no obligations, nice weather, Dante recovering so well in the hospital and it's cheese day in the cafeteria! Today can't get any better, Sir Guiney thought happily, but secretly hoped it somehow would anyway. Unfortunately for our giant Guinea-Pig, the day really couldn't get any better, so it's only option was to get worse, as the writer can't allow it to stay the same. If it did, this whole paragraph would be kind of a useless addition to the story, wouldn't it?

As Sir Guiney continued his stroll in ignorant bliss, Zain was secretly meeting up with the leader of the Union Heads, the Head Onion, explaining her idea. She didn't want Evory to find out she was helping the Onion Heads, for she knew Evory enjoyed seeing and making Onion Heads suffer. She had to make it look like he came up with it himself.

"So that's settled. In exchange for an eighty-nine percent pay-cut, will not have to perform this job."

"Please.. a seventy-five percent paycut, we've got young to feed..."

Such unreasonable beings. If they continued to be this selfish, they can forget their Christmas bonus!

"Eight-nine percent."

"...Alright then, but that's exclusive of the "special act" you've asked us to perform..."

Darn, that's the most important part! No choice...

"Eighty-eight and a half percent." Seeing the hesitant look on the Onion Heads face, she added: "And I'll throw in a toothbrush in addition to the Christmas toothpaste."

Wow, I'm feeling really generous today! It must be because the weather's so nice, or because I'm not wearing my bureaucratic glasses...

"Thank you so much!" The Onion Head was moved to tears.

After that, the contract was formed, where Zain managed to get the pay-cut up to a total of ninety-five point three percent due to administrative reasons, and the Union Heads specified that they wanted pink toothbrushes.

***

Sir Guiney, completely unaware, turned around a corner and suddenly his perfect day had become horrid, for a horribly offensive odor had filled his nostrils. He couldn't stop himself from retching, and he got to 'enjoy' the cheese-plate he had eaten earlier that day again. It wasn't nearly as enjoyable the second time.

Someone's going to pay for this! He thought while mourning the loss of the cheese-plate. From the corner of his eyes, he saw a little Onion Head sobbing while clutching that which distantly resembled a nose. Feeling his anger deflate slightly at the pitiful sight, he approached the little Onion Head.

"What's the matter, little Onion Head?"

"It smells... so bad... and tomorrow... tomorrow..." The tiny thing burst into tears again.

"There there, it's not like you ever need to come here."

It only sobbed harder. "To-to-tomorrow we have to go to the Source a-a-and clean it out! P-P-P-Papa and M-M-M-Momma an me and my s-s-siblings are all going to die!" It hid it's face into it's tiny hands in misery, sobbing harder than ever.

"The source? You mean... that place?!" "Sir Guiney exclaimed, shocked.

The Onion Head child was crying too hard to give any other reply than a nod.

"Unforgivable! Making a child go there! There must be something I can do, anything..."

And once again, despite the cloudless sky, lightning struck again, giving Sir Guiney an amazing idea.

"Fear not, small Onion! For I, Sir Guiney, have come up with a plan!"

He ran towards the Head Onion's den office, making a little detour to get the burns sustained by the lighting bolt healed by a clergy, and told the Head Onion what Dante's next task would be...

"I'll avenge thee, oh wonderful cheese-plate!" Sir Guiney shouted, and rushed to the hospital carrying the document with the details of the next task.