Random Poem~

[Tammy]

Here's a poem that was written quite a while ago. =.=

THE HEART

You could say, I'm in the market for a heart,

For mine was taken not so long ago.

What have you to offer? Show me all of your wares,

So I can choose another, to soften the blow.

A glass heart, as beautiful as may be,

Is truly impractical for anyone to use.

So easily shattered, and so completely clear,

It's intentions apparent for others to peruse.

A heart of stone, while hard and cold it is,

It would be heavy within you to possess.

Like granite it will withstand all advances,

And let in no subtle laughter, nor an easy jest.

So, I say, I'll have a heart of flesh,

Though easy it is for it to tear and scar,

It mends, not destroyed as is the glass,

And in the end can take you more the far.

[Nicole]

Tammy, that was great!  Your word choice and imagery are beautiful.

The only thing I can critique would be the end.  IMHO, I think that the heart of stone should've been mentioned by name.  [You hint at it with the "easy to tear"] And "scar" I think is a bit to closely related to "mends;" perhaps a word switch? 

Ignore all that if it is unwanted; I am a proofreader, after all! lol

Gentle, honest, and thought-provoking.  I'd really like to see more!! :)

[Tammy]

Thanks for the help!
I'll keep it in mind. I like to go back from time to time and tidy things up.
But the best I can do are a couple of poems. I can't write long stories. TT.TT

[Yume]

I like the theme, it was an interesting read. ^^b Maybe more could've been added at the end, I was expecting another stanza (or maybe it's just me ^^").

I'm not a really a poet but I had to study about it in literature so I only have rough feedback. Poems tend to have a nice rhythm to it so reading it out to see what areas can be edited is a good way to double-check. ^^
For instance (sorry for the same example) "Though easy it is for it to tear and scar" is a bit clumsy when you say it out, and perhaps adding in a few more syllables to "And in the end can take you more the far" would seem more complete since you're ending it off.

...*looks at what she wrote* Sorry, I sound incoherent. =w=""

[Nicole]

@Tammy- you're welcome!  I often get a good start on a project and then leave it alone for a good while.  When I come back, I have a fresh perspective to get me over any bumps!  And it's okay to be better at poems than long stories.  We each have our strength so as to contribute a variety of styles!  To be honest, I'm not very good at long stories, either.  My writing is generally concise, so it's hard to "flesh it out", so to speak.  I hate when teachers say "answer this in 5-6 sentences."  I can get the same amount of info in 3! XD lol

@Yume- no, I think your writing was coherent!  You seem to have a great sense of rhythm and fluidity. ;)

[Yume]

@Yume- no, I think your writing was coherent!  You seem to have a great sense of rhythm and fluidity. ;)

Thanks~ XD Haha it comes after studying poems for some time. ;w;"

[Black Miserie]

it's a beautiful poem!

[Meiika]

I LIKE IT.