Since I started a Horror room why not a Comedy room too? In this room we can all share our funny stories and jokes!
So let's make some certain people laugh! =3 Oh! and if there is a joke that is addressing to a certain people or race doesn't mean we want a fight or we are racist! So please! No flame war!
Here is a very common joke =]
Why is 9 scared of 7? Highlight to see: Because 7, 8, 9! (say it out load!)
One day a guy goes to the cake store to buy cakes... He asked the boss
"Do you have 100 cakes?"
"No I don't" said the boss.
The next day he went to the cake store again and asked the same question. The boss answered "no". He asked the same thing the next day and the boss said: "Yes! I have 100 cakes! I made them just for you!"
The guy was really satisfied and said: "Great! I'll take 2!"
In that second one, the guy was really rude ! :@
But still, they were funny xD. I don't have any good jokes, maybe tomorrow ~ xD
(Free post count upping, boo yaa.)
Sorry if this offends anyone, it's a George Bush joke.
A little boy dies and goes up to heaven. At the gate, he met St Peter. the boy asked, can i go to heaven? St Peter said, let me check. He takes the boy into a room full of clocks. He points at a clock. This is your clock. Every time you lie, it ticks once. I see that you have lied over a hundred times. The boy asks, "how many times has jesus lied?" St Peter replies "He never lied." The boy asked "Then how many times has George Bush lied?" St Peter says: Oh, his clock is in God's office. God uses it as a ceiling fan.
*punchline, highlight to see*
Hehe, bush.
KNOCK KNOCK?
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
BLESS YOU! ahhahahaha
im useless when it comes to jokes D: !
Lmao drex I think you are more fit for horror stories :goodjob:
Well this one is pretty similar to the cake joke:
A guy goes to a screw store and asked the boss "Do you have carrots?"
The boss of the store looked at him very surprisingly and said: "No I don't, I sell screw!"
The next day, the guy went back to the store and asked the boss "Do you have carrots?"
The boss looked very annoyed and said: "No! This is a screw store go find your carrots somewhere else!"
The next day, the idiot went back to the store and asked "Do you have carrots?"
The boss was really irritated and said: "No! I told you I don't have! And if you ask me that ever again, I am gonna screw you up on the cross just like how they did to Jesus!" (No offend!)
The next day, the idiot went back to the store and asked "Do you have carrots?"
The boss was now really pissed so he did what he said! The guy is now dead and went to heaven where he meets Jesus and asked him "So... you wanted carrots too?"
here's another one, not sure if you've heard it.
There were these these three girls, and they were told never to step on the pink cloud. But one day, the first girl, who was stupid, decided to step on the pink cloud. She ended up with a really ugly boyfriend. Everyone asked her what happened and she said "I stepped on the pink cloud". The next day, the second girl, who was even more stupid, stepped on the pink cloud. She, too, ended up with a really ugly boyfriend. Everyone asked her what happened and she said "I stepped on the pink cloud". On the third day, the third girl ended up with a really hot boyfriend. Everyone asked what happened, and the boy said "I stepped on the pink cloud."
Actually, to make this joke funnier, you're supposed to substitute the names of three real people as the girls. *skip
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
Q: how do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Q: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in and close the door.
Q: The lion king held a meeting for all the animals. only one animal was absent. Which animal was it?
A: The elephant, because it was stuck in the fridge?
Here are few more:
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?
A: Nothing.
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse.
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
A:
Stupid Inventions:
Solar-powered flashlight
Boomerang grenade
Tricycle kickstand
Black Highlighter
Fireprood Mathces
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
—————————————————
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
—————————————————
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
—————————————————
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
—————————————————
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
—————————————————
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
—————————————————
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
—————————————————
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
—————————————————
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
—————————————————
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
—————————————————
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
—————————————————
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
—————————————————
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
—————————————————
Q: Did he kill you?
—————————————————
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
—————————————————
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
—————————————————
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
—————————————————
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
—————————————————
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
—————————————————
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
————————————————–
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
—————————————————
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
—————————————————
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
—————————————————
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—————————————————
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
—————————————————
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
—————————————————
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
—————————————————
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
—————————————————
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
—————————————————
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LOL! Some of the questions are indeed great xD
this is partially a ghost story and a funny story...
At 12 midnight, a man was finally back from work (he works night shift)
He boarded the bus 13 which he must take to reach home.
It was a double decker, when he decided to sit on the 2nd level instead of the first, he realised that he wasnt alone...
there's an old lady in a white costume on the 1st level. She said: do... not... go.. up..., DON'T ever go to the 2nd level.
The man was so frightened that she stayed on the 1st level.
This happened everyday for a week and the man cannot help to be curious on what is on the 2nd level.
So one day, he persisted to go to the 2nd level despite the old lady's warning.
Then the old lady suddenly shouted: THERE'S NO DRIVER ON THE 2ND LEVEL!!!!
haha...
Once upon a time, in a very poor country, the people were hungry. Very hungry. So hungry, in fact, that they decided to storm up to their leaders' shack, and make funny noises and protest.
The leader, bothered by the noise, comes to the shack and stares into his peoples' starving eyes, and declares "Give me a night, good people, and I will find enough food to feed you."
The next day, the people storm up to their leader's shack (more skipping this time, really), and make funny noises again. The leader comes out wearily and says: "So, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
The people decide that they want to get the bad news over with first. "The bad news is, and I'm very sorry to say this, but there is no food in our entire country. We'll have to eat shit if we want to live."
The people grumble, but decide that it's OK for now, because there's still the good news. "What's the good news then, leader?" they ask hopefully.
The leader replies: "The good news is there's a lot of shit lying around that we can start eating right now."
Time for Communist Jokes now:
One day Stalin decides to visit the fields to see the progress of the glorious second five-year plan. As he surveys the fields, he sees a peasant working nearby. Stalin walks up to the peasant and asks "How is the potato harvest this year, comrade?"
The peasant answers "Brilliantly, there are so many potatoes, that if we stacked them up one by one on top of each other, they'd reach the feet of God!"
At this, Stalin frowns: "But comrade, we all know God does not exist."
The peasant replies, "Neither do the potatoes, Sir."
:wahaha:
There is a little boy who his alone at his house...
He gets a phone call and hears over the line "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 30 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table
15 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 15 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
10 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 5 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
4 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 1 minute"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
30 seconds later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 30 seconds"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
30 seconds The boy hears a knock on the door... He goes to answer the door... There stands a man who holds out his hand and asks "Do you have a plaster?"
Quote from: Renny on July 29, 2011, 09:41
:wahaha:
There is a little boy who his alone at his house...
He gets a phone call and hears over the line "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 30 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table
15 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 15 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
10 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 5 minutes"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
4 minutes later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 1 minute"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
30 seconds later the phone rings again and the boy answers the phone " "I am the man with the bloody finger and coming to your house in 30 seconds"
The boy gets scared and hides under the table again
30 seconds The boy hears a knock on the door... He goes to answer the door... There stands a man who holds out his hand and asks "Do you have a plaster?"
This is the similar to the one about the widow and the viper!
It's the same as above, but replace boy with "widow" (alone in her house ofc) and a call from the "viper" or the "widow viper." In the end, this "viper" turns out to be the window wiper XD Cute jokes~ <3
yea.. their cool :=X:
Q:how do confuse a blond?
A:put her in a round room and tell her to find the corners
Q how does she confuse you?
A: she tells you she found a corner
O_O...um
i don't get this. can someone explain it to me? xD i know the widow and the wiper dude...but NOT THIS ONE :swt:
xD blonde jokes...
well the room has no corners so the blond will be confused when she cant fing one...
You know there are no corners so she will confuse you when she tells you that she found a corner...
You got it now?
XD I get the blonde one darling...it's the one with the little boy... :swt:
oh... um... :swt: I dont know how to explain it..
Lol! It's ok Ren, I got it! That's funny XD Although I would have said band-aid instead of plaster...
yea... we call it plaster here so that's why i wrote that
England, I take it?
not England... South Africa... We use the British spelling though
Ah. I'm on the other side of the world XD
Where you from?
South Carolina XD
*probes back to topic*
This was something that circulated on FB a while ago...
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
:=X: awesome charmy it's awesome...
Quote from: charmy on September 30, 2011, 06:29
*probes back to topic*
This was something that circulated on FB a while ago...
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
LOL! OMG, that is hilarious!
:wahaha: THAT'S EPIC. >.< how come i never saw this? O_O
good one charmy xD
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That' s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
OMG berry! That's a sweet one! >_< The son was so thoughtful! I wonder what got him in jail though...
Here's another one for you guys:
wikipedia: i know everything!
google: i have everything!
facebook: i know everyone!
internet: without me, all of you are nothing!
electricity: keep talking bitches.....
Actually I've got a few... just saving up for next time~ XD
:=X: awesome!!! I like both soo much!!! :goodjob:
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
LOLOLOLOLOLOL }:3 old people...xD
yea... It was one of the best on some random website
Lol OMG! I love it!
Is it ok to post sick sokes? ???
@charmy: LMAO! love it! mine was the only one I've got, didn't found anything good till now xD
Quote from: Renny on October 05, 2011, 09:04
Is it ok to post sick sokes? ???
Perhaps you can put them in spoiler tags and warn us before hand first ;)
Quote from: deathberry on October 05, 2011, 11:03
@charmy: LMAO! love it! mine was the only one I've got, didn't found anything good till now xD
Teehee Thanks :D
Sick Joke allert open only if you really want to... *dead
[spoiler]
When three people sleep together its called a threesom...
When two people sleep together it called a two some...
So why is it a compliment to call someone handsome??
[/spiler]
That's pretty sick, alright. Funny as heck, but sick XD
I know... It a popular one at school :=X:
Hands doing it? ??? :=X:
[spoiler]masturbation.... XD[/spoiler]
:swt: Glad i did not have to answer that
XP everyone does it at least once. At least, that's what my mom says...
i guess... wouldn't know...
"sokes" my new favorite typo.